By Teal K. Paynter, LCSW and owner of SOMA Counseling
In her own words, Teal reflects on one of the foundational concepts she returns to again and again in her work with couples and other important relationships: responsiveness—the capacity to remain curious, emotionally present, and open to understanding one another, even in moments of conflict.
“We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike.” – Maya Angelou, The Human Family
I work with couples and other dyads (friends, parents and adult children, adult siblings) to strengthen their relationships.
When two people first sit down in my office, it’s usually because the distance between them has become intolerable. They bring unfinished conversations, words that feel risky to say, and hurts that have become difficult to name.
My role is to create a calm space where both people feel heard and understood.
Few things are more disorienting than feeling stuck in an important relationship.
Why did I get so enraged when she was only 15 minutes late? How did we stop talking for two days after a fight about the recycling? Why does he always seem so mad at me?
As we unpack the conflict, one of the first concepts I place on the table is responsiveness.
At the risk of sounding reductive, I’d define responsiveness as curiosity about what is happening for the other person. That curiosity is the first step in restoring the flow of communication, understanding, and empathy.
It requires slowing down, shelving certainty, and regulating ourselves enough to stay present. It requires humility, having more questions than answers. It means holding two truths at once: the person sitting across from me is not the same as I am. They have a different history, different fears, different ways of making meaning, and different conflict styles. Yet beneath those differences, we likely share similar longings: to feel safe, valued, understood, and loved.
Responsiveness is neither insisting on conversation nor pulling away and retreating. It is remaining open to the possibility that the other person needs something different from what you need. It is remembering that both of you are flawed.
In the face of justified anger and hurt, this can feel close to impossible.
But when both people seek to understand each other, both people feel understood.
Building this muscle of responsiveness involves many things, including healing relationship injuries and understanding how the past shapes the present. These are just two ways our unconscious can activate our nervous systems.
As biological beings, our bodies evolved to respond to threat with a surge of hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. While a difficult conversation with someone you love is not the same as being hunted by a lion, your nervous system can react as if it is.
One of the first things to go offline when we become activated is our relational capacity. Our curiosity.
And yet, being able to share what is happening inside you with a responsive person is one of the most effective ways to regulate distress and feel safe in the world.
The Canadian psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), demonstrated through multiple studies that “the most functional way to regulate difficult emotions in love relationships is to share them.” One of the conclusions she reached: “If you have a responsive love partner, you have a secure base in the chaos. If you are emotionally alone, you are in free fall.”
In a 2013 fMRI study, distressed couples who completed a round of EFT showed reduced brain threat responses when receiving support from their partner, suggesting that strengthening attachment bonds, especially responsiveness, can change how the brain processes stress.
It’s not just humans. Across mammalian species, from wolves to chimpanzees, responsive caregiving helps calm the nervous system and reduce stress hormones. Emotional responsiveness is a biological lifeline.
We see it in the bond between humans and domesticated animals as well. When a dog gazes into the eyes of a responsive human, both release oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Horses can mirror and respond to the heartbeat of their human handlers from several feet away, facilitating deep somatic attunement.
Even plants thrive within responsive networks. Through underground mycorrhizal fungi, trees communicate, protect, and support one another. When one tree is attacked by pests, it can send chemical warning signals through the network, prompting neighboring trees to mount defenses before the threat arrives.
But for the two people who have sat down on my couch for the first time, the task is more immediate. The barriers that have scrambled communication and blocked responsiveness need to be identified, understood, and shared. Then the flow can be restored.
The fact that they have carved out this time for their relationship is in itself huge: they want to be able to say, “I am here for you.” Beneath the conflict, there is almost always good intention, hope, and a desire to understand what is blocking the flow. A hope to repair. A hope to respond.